Things change. People change. I changed my mind.
I am a natural birth supporter. I think birth is an amazing opportunity to realize the strength and power God gives women. I committed to un-medicated labor four previous times. Number Five was different. I was weary of the pain of childbirth. I chose an epidural.
When the pregnancy began, I told Jason I wanted an epidural. He did not have peace about it and I did not want to make the decision on my own. Begrudgingly, I decided to not pursue it without Jason's 100% support. Pregnancy marched along and I prepared for another all natural birth.
Three weeks before Matthew was born, I got scared that the baby wasn't moving enough and we raced to the hospital to be monitored. As I laid in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, watching TV, I couldn't help but think "this could be how my labor goes". I mulled that over for a few weeks. I re-opened the topic with Jason. He caved in and gave me the go ahead. "Let's try it with this one", he said.
I was blessed to have a wonderful OB, Dr. Hewitt. Throughout the summer, I prepared Dr.Hewitt for my labor. I printed out a detailed birth plan with unusual requests like "mother will bathe the baby"; "no eye drops in baby"; "mother wants to labor in any position"; etc. Dr. Hewitt nodded along, interested and intrigued by my past homebirth experiences. It was a huge surprise to the kind doctor when, at my last prenatal appointment, I said, "Don't be shocked... but I've decided I want an epidural". She just laughed and marked my chart.
How could I choose an epidural when I know all the risks and I also have already had four babies without pain meds? Something changed in me between Samuel and Matthew's birth. I grew up. I lost a baby (my little October baby). With the other childbirths, "the birthing experience" was very important to me. This time, I just wanted my baby. I didn't care how he got from inside my womb to into my arms; I just wanted him to be healthy and alive.
The first few days post partum, I began second guessing my decision for the epidural. Over and over again, I let the scary reaction of the epidural run through my mind. I followed "what if" rabbit trails. I regretted my decision. Until I remembered... during the labor, I was thrilled with my epidural. I enjoyed labor; that had never happened before. After a few days, I laid the obsessive worrying aside. I embraced my decision and the joy it gave me during labor.
Would I have an epidural again? I don't know. I don't even know if we will have a sixth baby. I'm considering adopting as opposed to going through pregnancy/childbirth again. But that's another day. Another baby.
Would I encourage other women to have epidurals? It's a personal choice. Having a child naturally is incredible. But my epidural birth was incredible, too (aside from the initial reaction to the drugs). I encourage women to research all their options and then be open to whichever direction labor takes you.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9
1 comments:
Thanks for sharing. As a woman who has done both (but in the reverse order) I was really interested in hearing what prompted your decision. I am glad you are at peace and no longer second guessing yourself, and so glad little Matthew is here, safe and sound. <3
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