the non-due-date

Yesterday was Vivian Joy's due date.  It was a hard day to walk through.  June 6th.  When I discover a pregnancy, the due date is one of the first things I calculate.  That date sears into my brain as the countdown to delivery begins.  June 6th.  As May passed us by, I knew the no-longer-big-day was coming.  Sometimes, I pushed those thoughts down and didn't want to think about it.  Other times...  I wrapped the thought into my mind, hugging the few memories of Vivian close to me. 

Sunday night, June 5th, I realized "it's tomorrow!"  I knew it was, but I had to be sure.  I pulled out 2010 calender, but the darkly scratched out weekly marks were not helpful.  I sat on the couch feeling at a loss of how to know for sure.  Then I rememembered, I was charting when we made Vivian.  My charts were tucked underneath the bathroom counter, not necessary now with pregnancy instead of periods.  In the bathroom, I searched methodically through my old charts.  Two years worth of charting clipped neatly to a pink clipboard.  I couldn't find it.  My searching grew almost frantic.  Proof.  I needed proof that she lived. 

There it was.  I had hidden it at the bottom of the pile.  I pulled the chart out with the "happy face" sketched beside the bold "ETA June 6th" and the cycle length marked "9 months" beside yet another "happy face".  Without warning, I realized I was sobbing.  The sobs reminded me of the cries that took over months ago in the same bathroom as I processed the loss of my October baby.  The October baby who should have been a June baby.  I bent over my now swollen belly and gasped for air.  The chart proved that Vivian had been alive and real.  I had written on September 28th "three positive pregnancy tests!!!"  I stared at my chart and caressed it.  "I wish it had turned out differently, little baby."  With a sigh, I quickly stashed all the charts back beneath the sink and left the bathroom, drying my tears.

It is odd to mourn the loss of one baby while carrying and celebrating the growing life of another.  I want this baby, but I also wish we could have had our Vivian.  The "real" Baby #5.  I want both.  I wish Vivian could have been born, alive and healthy, last week and this little baby, growing now for 28 weeks, come a few years down the road. 

But I can't click my heels together and make my wish come true.  Vivian's in heaven, long gone from my body.  I can only imagine what might have been.  And I have a new baby now.  One that pushes against me even as I type a memorial to his sibling who preceded him in life and death. 

So, I ask God to kiss Vivian good night and tell her I miss her.  I ask him to let her know her big sister reminded her mother that she "has a baby in her tummy and one in Heaven".  And I rub my belly and feel life kick back.  This is the path God chose for us.  He will dry my tears and lift my head.  Thank you for life, Lord.  "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21  For me, in the past year, the Lord has done both.  I will praise His Name.