Thursday, August 27, 2009

well spring of life in the midst of homeschooling doubts

Three weeks ago, I started the all-amazing act of homeschooling my children. Have we done school every day of the work week? Um... no. Not at all. Officially, we "did school" about four times. Twice with just me and Isaiah; and twice with the whole crew [minus the sleeping Samuel]. [On an "un-schooling" note: we unofficially did school when we read books about trees, planets, trains, people, places and things. And the Bible. Just saying.]

Up until today, I considered myself a failure at homeschool. Which is really sad since I have a kindergartner and preschooler and have only been at it for under a month. I had no clue homeschool would require so much time and effort. Being, well, you know, ME, I thought I would just breeze through it all. I'm organized! I'm creative! I like to teach! It was going to be so easy.

It is SO NOT EASY! Well, the lessons are easy. After all, it is kindergarten. But, for me, the hardest part is coming to grips with the loss of my free time. I treasure my free time. I have worked hard to carve out the remnant of free time. Often my "free time" consists of my ignoring the children so I can blog, write, read or something non-mommy-like. That valued time will have to be filled with planning and then with teaching if I am to successfully homeschool my kids.

I am doing research now. My original curriculum I purchased, I do not like. At all. It is not organized enough for me and I feel like I'm floundering about with it. I should have done more research about homeschooling in general.

My little guys are so smart, I want to do them justice. I don't want any of those smarts and learning excitement to go to waste. My kids attending public school so they can become little solder/worker bees is not my heart's wish. I want my kids home, with me. I want to be the biggest influence in their lives; not another person with different morals and standards.

And so, I choose to homeschool. Today, I recommit to homeschool. I am aware of the struggle and the dedication it will take from me and I am deciding to take my stand and JUST DO IT!

Now, before the far too familiar feeling of being overwhelmed consumes me, I am gonna take a big, long, thirst-quenching drink of Christ's Truth. Mmm... Now, that's refreshing.

“Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” [John 1:14]

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

demainding motherhood

Is it OK that I feel like I just can't do this? Is that OK?

And then, the phone rang. And I was awakened from this sinking pit of "I can't do this!"

What is it about motherhood that brings me to my knees? Why is parenting so dad gum hard? I love my kids; I think they're amazing. I look at them and I wonder how in the world am I going to do them justice?

There are so many demands. And I mean D.E.M.A.N.D.S. Children demand attention. They demand [sometimes politely] food and drinks and bath time and playtime.

"More milk please," she says. And I'm off. Off to fill the many demands of my many children. Intense blessings for sure.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

a Mommy Retreat

Update:

I'm much better, thank you. At least, for the moment. There is this underlying thing... I can't really describe it. Just this thing beneath it all, nagging at me, pulling me under.

So, here's my plan. Continue to pray, read the word and give myself grace. While I do all that, I have got a self-prescribed Mommy Retreat in the works.

What's a Mommy Retreat? [I know, I know, just the sound of it is glorious! Can you hear the swell of music?? Ah...] A Mommy Retreat includes checking into a hotel. Alone. Bringing my Bible, my journal, a pen, etc. Taking a long bubble bath. Sipping hot tea and staring out the window. Taking a walk in the evening air. You get the picture; basically, whatever Mom wants to do. Imagine that!

Right now, the plan is for me to redeem a free message I earned last Spring on Thursday. Then, make way to a nice [but not expensive] hotel. After a few hours of prayer, bubble bathing, and reading, a few good friends of mine are going to come over to pray with me. We're going to ask God for direction as to the root of whatever is causing my heartache and pain. We're trusting the Lord to come and heal me and make me whole.

After that... Sleep. Since my darling Samuel is sill nursing, Jason will bring him to me. So, I'll still be a mommy through the night. Jason might spend the night, too. I figure I'll be needing some loving. [I mean hugs, you guys! Geez! Get your mind out of the gutter! Wink-wink.]

Friday plans are still very much up in the air. But, the Mommy Retreat should continue through the day and possibly that night. We'll see. Depends on Jason's works schedule, our finances and how relaxed I'm getting.

Just the thought of the retreat brings me peace and hope. I am fighting feelings of guilt for leaving the kids... But, I know they will be better off with a whole and relaxed mommy.

Thanks to you all for your prayers and encouragement. Hope you are having a blessed Lord's day.

Friday, August 14, 2009

pass the life preserver, please

Today is hard. My head is hurting. I am swirling around in the midst of life, holding for dear life to my promises of Truth. While I'm not drowning, I am choking on the water.

I feel like as soon as I stand and smile, something awful happens that tips me over. Or, maybe not even awful, but just hard. And suddenly, I'm laying on my face, crying and feeling oh, so overwhelmed.

I just want to feel better. What does it take? A mommy break? A chocolate cake? A date? A Bible Study? Prayer? A drink? A good cry? Telling a friend? The trouble is, I've done all that!! Still feeling sad. Underneath it all.

But I'm still smiling on the outside. Yea. Because I'm being "joyful always", darn it. So. Yea. Unless you read this post, you won't know anythings wrong. Because I've got it all figure out, can't you tell? Yep, that's me. All my ducks in a nice row. My children well dressed and smiling. My husband is happy.

So what the heck is wrong with me.

Oh, well, now I'm being melodramatic. Just ignore me, please. I'm being silly. Nothing to see here.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i am not a bumpaholic; i'm a mother

Are you kidding me????

I stumbled upon this ridiculous article about "Bumpoholics". Yes. Apparently, that's a word. These pompous psychologist are claiming that women "get addicted to having babies". I felt sick to my stomach while reading through the article and the follow-up discussion from other readers. It is a huge example of how society does not see children the way our God, the creator of life, sees children.

Children are not a burden. They do not ruin our lives; they enrich our lives. They make us break out of our selfish selves and consider others first.

Despite my four pregnancies, I am certainly NOT addicted to having babies. The very thought makes me laugh! I do not enjoy pregnancy. It hurts! It's uncomfortable. I feel like a crazy woman with all the emotions. Not to mention the incredible enjoyment of labor pains and childbirth! There are several reasons why I've had four kids [and will probably have more]. None of them being because pregnancy is just so much FUN.

Hey faithful readers, check out that article and comment back to me. It's so ridiculous. I think it's so sad that people feel this way about large families. I love my [en]-larging family!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

babies and no babies

The morning is quiet. Five minutes until six am and Jason has just left the house for his day out in the world. My children are asleep [or at least quiet in their beds]... for now. Any minute, I will hear Rose's door crack open and her insistent patting on the gate that keeps my night-time wonderer safe in her room. And so will begin the mommy part of my day. Lord, prepare me!

Samuel, my darling baby, is starting to take steps. Yes, walking!! He is just nine months old; the go getter. I love it. He has great balance and can stand for long periods of time. Just this past week he started daring to take a step. I dreamed last night he ran to me. It won't be long. He is so small, it is adorable to see him walking. But, it does catch the breath in my throat. Because I know. I know what it means. It means I will miss his hands padding across the floor in that adorable bear crawl, his bottom up in the air as he barrels across the room. I will miss my Samuel-baby when he starts walking his way to toddler-hood. I know what it means. I've been here before.

Nine months and counting. Jason and I are managing our blessed fertility and have managed nine months with no new baby on the horizon. We're quite thrilled. [Although, should God move us aside and plant life within me here in the tenth month post-partum, we would be thrilled then, too. Just FYI.] Since my blog was birthed by my search for God's will concerning birth control, I like to keep all concerned readers [wink,wink] up to date on these kinds of things. So, for those of you who care or were wondering but were too polite to ask..... To manage our fertility we are tracking my cycle by watching and charting all fertility signs. Then when fertility signs are a "go for launch" we, er, keep the "launching" under wraps. You see, we've discovered these adorable little rubber thingies... anyways... FYI. TMI? Oops... Now you know.

Now that I've embarrassed myself [and am considering deleting that last paragraph, but, well who cares. I've blogged about all that stuff before, why stop now??] I think I'll sign off.

Blessings to all and may you have a wonderful day in the LORD!!

"Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2: 6

revolutionary love

I have experienced revolutionary love. Love with no strings attached. Jesus Christ loves me and made a way for me to have a relationship with the One True God. God desires a relationship with you, too. If you have yet to experience this revolutionary love, please email me at jandjkeys@hotmail.com so I can share this amazing experience with you. Blessings, -Jess